Ready for Launch

“So, what do you do?”

“I’m an aerospace engineer.”

“Huh.  What exactly does that entail?”

“Well, I design rockets.”

“Wait… so you’re a rocket scientist?”

“Well, yes.  But girls don’t usually like it when I use that term.”

“I’m sorry, what was that?  You had me at ‘rocket scientist.'”

A voicemail from my best friend

“Hi Leah, I know you’re probably having sex with Heroes right now, because Heroes is your boyfriend and any time you don’t answer your phone it’s because you’re with Heroes.  I hope you and Heroes are very happy together.”

That old paradox

I’m coming up that age-old paradox: How can you get work experiece in a certain field if you need previous experience to be hired?

I have been looking into health policy type jobs, and I have also been looking into Master’s of Public Health (MPH) programs.  The only problem with policy jobs is that you need to have experience writing/working with policy. Hmmm…

Street Cred

All of my students noticed my new hairdo, and they all seemed to like it.

One of the gangsta boys said, “Ms. B, you look funky fresh!”  I think I’ll take that as a compliment.

New haircut – rocker chick potential?

Really?

I often feel like my entire life has been one big fight against going to law school.  Seriously.  Everything I have done has been to avoid going to law school.  My entire path so far has happened the way it happened, mainly, to prove to my parents that I could be successful without going to law school.

But I’m at a dead end.

Last night my dad sat me down, poured me a glass of our favorite microbrew (BBC Steel Rail) and told me that I was about to make a huge mistake that  could fuck me over for the rest of my life.

I have sortof come to the conclusion that while teaching is ok, it’s not what I want to do right now.  If I went straight into teaching, I would always regret not exploring other options.

I have gotten rejected from 5 out of 6 PhD programs in American Studies, and I expect the last rejection letter any day now.  So, grad school for American Studies is not really an option.  I probably could have been accepted to a program out in Kansas or somewhere, but I’m not sure enough that I want a PhD in American Studies to commit to five yeras in a far away, possibly lame, place.  So, reapplying is out.

Right now, my plan is to move to Boston, move in with a good friend, and try to get a job in the public health/health education/sex education field.  I have been looking for jobs, and applying when find one.  So far, I’ve found two to apply to.  There is really not a lot out there.

My dad thinks this plan is a huge mistake.  If I get a job right now at a non-profit or other big health organization, I will have to work my way up to a decent salary but I will never be more than middle class, and I will always “work for someone else,” meaning I will never be able to set my own hours or work where I want.  I will never have that “professional” lifestyle that he, as a doctor, has, and that I could have with a law degree.  Or a MA or PhD in Public Health.

Plus, he argued (and this was the killer) I could make much more of a difference in the world as a reproductive rights/women’s health lawyer or Public Health policy-maker, than I could as someone working in middle management at a non-profit, pushing paper, which is all I could really hope for if I continued along the path I’m going.

That hits hard.  If there is one thing I know, it is that I am an idealistic and ambitious person who will be unsatisfied if I do not do something incredible or important with my life.

My dad says that in order to reach that “professional” status, you have to eat shit for a few years.  You have to be willing to be miserable for a few years for the big payoff.  And the payoff will be big, he assures me.  It will mean an upper middle class lifestyle, job security, and more control and freedom over where, when, and how much you work.

I hate to say it, but he may have convinced me.  I don’t know much about what a Public Health degree would entail.  But I do know about law school. I’ve been avoiding it my whole life!

Is this really happening?  Am I considering the possibility of law school? Of misery the likes of which I’ve never experienced for three whole years?

Things move along

I decided not to shower today and just be a scrub.  I hope my students can deal.  The bright side is that I get a little extra time this morning to blog some stuff.

1.  I got rejected from Yale.  This was no surprise, really.  After getting rejected from all the other schools, there was little chance that I could get into Yale.  I guess this is what sometimes happens when you shoot for the top.  I just keep reminding myself that applying for PhD programs is very different from undergrad or even MA programs, since it has more to do with whether your interests perfectly match a professor’s life work than how good your grades or GRE scores were.  Still waiting to hear from one more school, but definitely not holding my breath.

2.  I re-got-excited-about a book idea I came up with a while ago.  I think (I hope) I will actually try to do make it happen.  At least, eventually.  I hope.  It could be really cool.  But I wonder if anyone ever publishes books these days by people who aren’t already famous for something else?

3.  Postsecret came to Amherst College tuesday and I was sooo excited to finally see an event.  But then Amherst decided to restrict ticket sales to Amherst students only.  I feel this goes against the whole spirit of Postsecret and I am self-righteously bummed.

Rejected

I just received my third Ph.D. program rejection… this time via email.  Ouch.

So far, I’ve been rejected by Harvard, Boston University, and Brown.  Harvard and B.U. didn’t hurt that much.  In fact, it made a lot of sense for them to reject me.  My research interests didn’t really match up with their programs, I just applied because I wanted to be in Boston.

Brown (via email) hurts a good deal more.  Brown was incredibly well matched to my research interests, which means that the reason I was rejected is simply because I’m not good enough.  Or I didn’t play the game well enough.   It sucks because Brown was my first choice.  And because I am now fairly convinced that if I wasn’t good enough for Brown, I won’t be good enough for Yale either.  George Washington U. is a wildcard.  And UMASS?  Well, if I don’t get in, I’ll be embarrassed.  If I do, I probably still wouldn’t go.

I was really unsure this whole time about whether more grad school would be the right direction for me.  But I applied at the last minute because I was convinced that it would be a good idea to at least see what my options were.  It kindof sucks to be rejected from something you weren’t even sure you wanted.  I guess I didn’t anticipate the risk of actually knowing for sure whether or not I would be able to get into a program at a school like Yale –  the risk of finding out that no, I’m not good enough.

It’s a shitty feeling.  To compound all of the other shitty feelings.

This has been a pretty low winter.  I am really hoping for a turnaround with spring.  And, of course, a summer plan.

Snow Day

Today was the perfect snowday.  It was perfect because it was needed.  I’m getting over a cold and instead of spending the weekend having fun and getting ready for the next week, I spent it in bed with a fever, blowing my nose.

Today was recovery day.  I started by organizing my finances and updating my to-do list.  Then I washed all of my “sick sheets,” blankets, duvet, and towels.  I cleaned my room.  I made myself a nice, nutritious lunch.

I applied for a job – a research position at a non-profit.  I also got rejected from two of the six Ph.D. programs I applied to.  I am not broken up about this.  They were the programs that were the worst matches for my academic interests anyway.  Actually, this narrows down the possible choices for next year, and that’s fairly relieving.

I’ve been putting out lots of lines.  I am hoping that eventually I’ll land a big one.  Applying for different jobs, taking the MTEL (teacher certification test), the grad school applications… I just hope that I’ll land somewhere good.  Somewhere with health insurance.

I like my job, but I want to leave the area.  This town is too small for the likes of me!   Then, a few weeks ago, I found out that my position, along with 6 other ESP positions and 40 teacher positions, would be cut in my district.  I guess the cool part of all of this is that one day I can tell my grandchildren, “Yes, I got laid off in the Great Depression.”  Or maybe not…

Regardless, it was an excellent snow day.

On Joining a Gym

One of the wonderful (sigh) parts of breaking up, in my case, is finding a new gym.  No, no, it’s not like that.  The guy and I are on good terms, and the breakup is only part of the reason I’m switching.  I decided to go to that gym (our gym) because it was where he went, and it was close to his house – which meant it was NOT close to my house and pretty inconvenient to get to.  Also, it was really small, didn’t have a locker room or showers, and had a very limited selection of machines and stuff.

So, as much as I could probably deal with bumping into him at the gym, I decided it would be best to switch to a nicer, more conveniently located one.  Also, in the interest of “healing,” it’s probably best to un-glue ourselves and take some space to rebuild our individual lives.

Choosing a new gym is easier said than done, though.  I had four options.  The Northampton Athletic Club (NAC), the YMCA, Planet Fitness, and a smaller independent gym called Universal.

NAC is the biggest, fanciest, and most expensive gym in the area.   It’s a huge facility, with all the amenities.  I hate the NAC.  I’m not sure why I hate it as much as I do.  Maybe because it’s big and impersonal?  Maybe it’s because I run into people from high school there?  Maybe it’s because you have to sign up for the machines, and you often have to wait.  And if you accidentally sign up for “crosstrainer 4” instead of “elliptical 3” someone yells at you.  Plus there’s lots and lots of fitness nuts and beautiful people.  I don’t like working out around beautiful people.

My next stop was to check out the YMCA.   The YMCA had done some extensive rennovations since I had last been there for swimming lessons as a kid, but even so, the whole place still smelled like pool.  The workout rooms were located on the other side of the building from the locker room, which was exactly as I remembered it from swim lessons: a damp, cramped, cave.

So.. it was on to my next stop, Planet Fitness.  Planet Fitness really is another planet.   It’s a complete, sensory overload.  Everything in this one GIANT room is bright purple and yellow.  There are big, pseudo-inspirational slogans high up on the walls.  There are tanning booths along one wall, massage chairs outside the locker rooms, generic music over the loadspeaker, and .. worst of all .. two rows of about 60 various cardio machines lined up against the back wall.  All of them occupied.  When you turn to look at that wall, head on, you are looking at a massive army running in place.  It was swarming with college kids.  It may only be $10 a month, but I’m not sure I would go there even if it were free.

My search ended at Universal.   And thank goodness.  The guy who gave me a tour at Universal was warm and friendly.  He asked my name.  It’s one giant space split into four different areas, one of them for cardio machines, one for circuit/nautilus machines, and one for free weights.  There were so many new machines I had never seen before that I felt like a kid in a candy store!  Also, the cardio machines were staggered so that there was no fear of a stationary army of ipod-donning clones.   Yes, I chose Universal.

Universal has a bit of a reputation for being filled with muscle-heads.  And, to be fair, it does have some of the biggest dudes I have ever seen.  When I went there today, I realized that I actually prefer working out around big, hulky guys to working out around other women.  It’s the anti-Curves effect.  Other women make me self-conscious because I will inevitably compare myself to them.  Big guys, however, will always make me feel small.  And lifting 5, 10, and 12 lb dumbells in their power-lifting midst makes me feel cute, as well as fearless and spunky for infiltrating the ultimate zone of masculinity.

It’s amazing the wonders a good workout can do for your self esteem.  I have high hopes for Universal and I.  I hope I get comfortable there.  I hope that I will get to know some of the regulars.  I hope my free orientation session with a personal trainer will jumpstart my old routine, and I hope that working out again will help lift my mood, increase my self-esteem, and get me through this breakup.