Rejected

I just received my third Ph.D. program rejection… this time via email.  Ouch.

So far, I’ve been rejected by Harvard, Boston University, and Brown.  Harvard and B.U. didn’t hurt that much.  In fact, it made a lot of sense for them to reject me.  My research interests didn’t really match up with their programs, I just applied because I wanted to be in Boston.

Brown (via email) hurts a good deal more.  Brown was incredibly well matched to my research interests, which means that the reason I was rejected is simply because I’m not good enough.  Or I didn’t play the game well enough.   It sucks because Brown was my first choice.  And because I am now fairly convinced that if I wasn’t good enough for Brown, I won’t be good enough for Yale either.  George Washington U. is a wildcard.  And UMASS?  Well, if I don’t get in, I’ll be embarrassed.  If I do, I probably still wouldn’t go.

I was really unsure this whole time about whether more grad school would be the right direction for me.  But I applied at the last minute because I was convinced that it would be a good idea to at least see what my options were.  It kindof sucks to be rejected from something you weren’t even sure you wanted.  I guess I didn’t anticipate the risk of actually knowing for sure whether or not I would be able to get into a program at a school like Yale –  the risk of finding out that no, I’m not good enough.

It’s a shitty feeling.  To compound all of the other shitty feelings.

This has been a pretty low winter.  I am really hoping for a turnaround with spring.  And, of course, a summer plan.